Q: My friend is driving me crazy. We have been friends since primary school and we go to the same church. We are in the same secondary school now and she is really clinging onto me. I want to hang around with my new friends but every time I turn around there she is. She is a bit of a weirdo and doesn't fit in with my new group. I'm afraid she is going to ruin my chance to make new friends. She has spent the whole vacation glued to my side. How can I 'unstick' her before we go back to school?

A: First, let me tell you that yours is a very common problem. As we grow up we change and as this happens we often drift away from old friends. It is a normal part of life. For the most part, friendships drift apart so slowly that the break is painless. But sometimes the break is not so easy. If one friend is ready for a change in their life when the other is not, the end result can be resentment and hurt feelings. Is this what is happening to you?

You are ready to make new friends and feel as if your old friend is holding you back. You may be right but allowing yourself to see your friend as a 'pain' is not going to make things better. In fact, taking a sour view of a once sweet friendship can make things worse for both of you. More often than not there is nothing wrong with her, the problem is with the friendship. Friendships change, evolve, and grow cold. It is a fact of life. It is one of the hardest facts of life to accept. However, people often make the mistake of seeing only negative things and forgetting all the positive things that had made the friendship work in the past.

Ask yourself this: Would have you stayed as friends with somebody since primary school if she has been annoying or if both of you didn't share something in common. You want to make new friends and yet don't want her to be part of the new relationship but that doesn't mean that she is suddenly 'not good enough' for you. This not only shows a lack of respect for your friend, it shows a lack of respect for yourself and your ability to choose companions. Before beginning a 'friendship separation' makes sure you are doing it for the right reasons.

If you are sure that you and your friend have really grown in different directions, the only way to keep things civil is by talking to her before your resentment deepens. Tell her you still value her friendship and that you will always stay in touch, then let her know you are looking to broaden your circle of friends. Be honest and tell her that it seems the two of you no longer share the same interests and that you think it would be a good idea if you each pursue new interests alone. Do not end the friendship completely and make your friend understand that you still intend to find time for her. Then keep your promise and still talk to her on the phone, go shopping with her and hang out with her at school. Just do these things less frequently. Encourage her to make new friends of her own or help her connect with the people in your new group with whom she may share common interests.

One word of caution: Never break the Golden Rule of Friendship. No matter how 'uncool' your new friends may think she is, never, ever, turn on her for sake of wanting to be accepted by the group. Turning on an old friend almost always ends in regret, no matter what the short term gains may be. It is never worth throwing away a childhood friendship just because she may not be as cool as you wish she were. The memories you and her share can't be erased just by what your new friends say about her; it is best not to turn her into an enemy. Good friendships are hard to come by and should never be lightly dismissed.